Beautiful Complication and Other Parts of a Long but Meaningful Journey

My grade posted last week for my second early childhood development class thereby expanding my qualifications for working with the youngest ages of family members as part of my family caregiver profile. Parents of children with developmental disabilities are also great models of caregivers who are learning to cope with a "new normal" in the same way that caregivers of older aged family members have to do in light of an unexpected health challenge. What is so common among those whose family member is in need from a health standpoint is the way in which life gets "messy" really fast and how the need grapple becomes like a survival mechanism. Life isn't meant to happen beautifully when you feel like you are bobbing in open water attached to a flotation device of life's ups and downs! But it bears saying that is in the midst of this kind of mess that a family can often find within its members a new strength and grit. Muddling through changes and finding what stabilizes your family through hard times is something that many families often don't have to endure. But if you do, there can come to fruition a familiar rootedness and a renewed resilience as a new normal emerges - and coping and grace under pressure are characteristics that may becomes a tell-tale family trait. It's almost like chaos and difficulty (if handled right), can reap a hidden strength. And as family members continue to honor dignity and capability and open-mindedness, different ways forward emerge when they didn't seem possible before.

I read a quote today that resonated with me and my own "adventurous" journey as a family caregiver of elders at the same time of having with kids at a young age AND working. I know so many people in these same shoes at middle age in life and they are aware of these aforementioned "unexpected" gifts of surviving chaos and living to tell. I remember going through Regional Center services for a developmental delay, at the same time as extraordinary care for my Parkinsonian elders (both had varying types of Parkinson's Disease and died 1.5 years apart). My friend Phyllis today reminded me of how frazzled I was back then! Yet she said she recalled me coming into my dad's room with a favorite piece of music he knew by heart and in the moment we both listened, all the frazzled nerves disappeared. He closed his eyes and remembered his Catholic School days and singing in church and I sat in a peaceful moment of having given him a memorable gift to his mind and soul. I don't recall if he was on Hospice at the time or what challenges faced us in light of our numerous doctor visits we went through each month, but on that very day of Latin music filling his room, all I remember is being present and possessing a powerful gift of love.

In the same way that I recalled hard times with my kids, I was reminded recently of how I was present in the height of my son's sensory and speech delays and how his tantrums as a toddler upset our family's rhythm. My husband and I had 2 easy daughters and were accustomed to traveling and taking our two daughters on errands and otherwise having them blend in with our parent-led life. Yet my son's health needs as a toddler were not long term but required from us a solid, unshakable presence as his anger went through its arc and often took substantial amount of time with flailing and hitting aimed at anyone near him. My way of being with my son was subdued compared to raising my daughters, because my understanding about meeting his needs was based upon a developmental pediatrician's guidance. "You are so lucky he is able to take his anger out on you" were the words that led me to understand that I can take on anything my son exhibits behaviorially and I became a so-called zen-master in non-reaction. I could sit alongside him, steering clear or moving in to comfort when he let me and listening and just being a presence that he needed. In my ECD class I came upon a book called "Listen" and a website site (https://www.handinhandparenting.org) that took me back to the moments of being a preschool parent and being so caught up in comforting my child with textbook boundaries firm and my unconditional love ever-present. For more information on a helpful website for parents having challenges - see the handinhandparenting.org site and reference the book "listen". Also note that even though Hand in Hand parenting is focused upon parents, it is also a valuable set of practices that are relevant to any caregiver of a family member of any age who is managing through difficulty. These include these areas: Listening with Respect, (Putting Family - my words) People First, Big Goals (or what I would refer to as stretching capability beyond what you would "think" is possible in small but important ways), Openness, and Appreciation. These are important tenets to revisit and also useful to reflect upon how family can provide a grounding when these types of values prevail and are attended to.

In the photo I posted was the reference to life as an adventure - meaning unpredictable and yet also unexpectedly excited. I also found a quote relevant to the story of my life and likely others who are caregivers that was written by Kelly Rae Roberts and states, "Your beautifully messy complicated story matters...Tell it." It just so happens that a caregiver coach friend of mine from PA and I are doing just that -- telling our story - with a book set to come out in 2018 talking about care and allowing a caregiver to find meaning in the journey with entries in the book to reflect upon questions. Just like my life and it's zig zag path, our book about caregiving had its start in 2015 and has been convoluted. For myself alone, there was my own passion at its peak with my dissertation being completed (on the topic of sandwich generation care), and then it waned and then nearly disappeared. But then I attended a conference and again it peaked and then waned again. Writing and then putting it onto the back burner and then coming back to it has been its own messy path but one that I'm still on the journey.


Messy lives are still adventurous lives! Worth living with those we love most next to us in whatever health and capability level life gives us!

Two Caregiving Family Stories in a Never-Ending Autumn

Below is the story of 2 caregivers - living in different places - yet whose caregiving journey is heavy with sadness, meaning and a personal toll being taken on the caregivers in service to their family.

I recently spoke to a North Bay woman who is in her mid sixties, fit, smart, and a woman who seems, at first glance, like she has her life totally together. After I heard her story, I wondered how she could even stand up and face each day. This woman I'll call Jane had just moved her 2 parents (both in their 90's) to live near her in Santa Rosa (North of San Francisco) because of their failing health. Mind you, usually parents moving to live near well-intentioned daughters are not a fan of the move (I know this from my own experience). But she did what so many daughters often do for their aging moms and dads - show up and move their parents near them to shepherd those elders through a harder stage of life in which help is needed.

This is the part of Jane's story that will break your heart. Not long after the elders' move to a new town (& no matter what the distance they moved from, it's TOO far in their eyes), her parents' new home BURNED DOWN in the North Bay fires the week of 10/9/17 in Santa Rosa. My heart sunk with her story because I moved my parents to my home town to help them in a similar way for similar reasons. I felt guilt upon guilt upon guilt as they pined for their old life and their old home--that I robbed from them. But my parents' very possessions - whether big and small - reminded them of their old home. Those possessions that belonged to my parents were always in tact and thus were a connection to their old home. But Jane's parents have nothing to go back to but memories; physical things are gone. My own parents used to visit their mini-storage just be be around their possessions even when they didn't take anything back to their crowded assisted living facility. And yet in my mind after hearing Jane's story, I am reminded that our things --no matter who they belong to -- it's just "stuff". The real essence of importance - it is manifested in our presence and the time we spend together.

My second caregiver story is about a dear friend named Paul who I call my BFF- "Best Friend Forever". Paul has been a long-distance caregiver for parents (one who has passed on and one who is aging and needs looking into). Over recent years, Paul has a houseful of kids (some who stop in after moving into adulthood and one living at home full time). Paul has recently had 2 family members with frail and worsening conditions living as well in the family home. And this Fall as others are enjoying Halloween candy and Pumpkin Spice food/drinks, this family ha already been through one sad and difficult Hospice enrollment, followed by a sad but meaningful death. And now as the holiday season begins in days leaving to Thanksgiving, this same family which is still mourning the loss of a brother, has put a second elder onto Hospice. Their family will now awaits the experiences of a death that will recur in the same place, the family home. Thus the "waiting" and spending time together becomes fraught with emotions and tinged with sadness of the inevitable future death at a time when families across our country are celebrating and counting blessings over the Thanksgiving table. And just when you think a family should not have to add to this heaven burden, a dear Aunt of my friend Paul is not well and in need of help with care as a heartwrenching diagnosis means a terminal end is ahead - this time the care will be miles away. How is it that some people -like Paul and Jane - have a toll in life so much heavier than another who is showered with blessings and easier moments in life?

Both caregiving people mentioned above have such bravery and courage to undertake leading their elder family members care. I hope they are engaging other family members and asking for help and for friends and support systems to let them vent and find breaks to feel less burdened by their role. And without asking, I know they are able to find meaning in their care because it is guided by a rightness. It is within this intention and purpose that they find faith in themselves and in knowing they can do it...maybe not alone, probably with lots of helpers, but they will endure.

This Autumn just like the leaves on the trees changing color, these caregivers will undergo their own transition as they help their families go though another life stage. And they will be changed by it. I am moved just bearing witness to their stories. Caregivers are heroes who need to be praised and brought into view. It makes me reflective and grateful. Oh so grateful.

Devastation in Sonoma County - After Wildfire Blog Post

I will start by saying that family was not harmed and our property was not either. But the hills and the blackened streets nearby - just 2 miles or more away tell an entirely different story of what happened starting 10/9/17 and continued for nearly 2 weeks. Wild winds over 50 miles an hour hit our nearly rural areas of Sonoma County and led with hurricane/tornado type effects to embers flying a further reach than imagined. Our beautiful wine country hills were filled with fire late at night on 10/9 and through conditions related to drought, summer heat and the fierce winds, also had flames entering our urban Santa Rosa areas- even so bold as to cross the freeway. Just typing these words brings to mind the devastation I saw this past week with buildings guarded by the National Guard (including my kids' school), and gutted buildings that used to be workplaces and shelters for horses whose riders were expecting a lesson the next day.

I attend a Catholic church and today there were 20 or more persons sharing stories of their homes being taken from them in Oakmont or Fountaingrove neighborhood. A parish called St. Rose, next to the neighborhood Coffey Park, has probably hundreds of families with that same story to share. My kids attend a school affected by fire and will have altered conditions for attending class this calendar year, with expected normalcy returning in 2018 to their old campus.

Gratefulness is what I feel and a sadness that won't leave given that I know the uncertainty and suffering brought to so many of the neighbors near me. Our town already had a homeless population without stability and many in the agricultural/wine growing trade with lower pay or even NO PAY due to their grapes or facilities being burned down, will also be thrust into an uncertain future with housing that won't be affordable when they need it and shortages even if the housing did exist in the right price range.

The resilience shown by those affected is beyond belief and I hope it will persist. I know faith and hope are central to my way of being and I hope that I can be of support and assistance to those in need in some way. I am working in my profession toward helping those who are older and have chronic conditions and when I read of families with deaf/hard of hearing stories of failing to be told about the evacuation, I know we need to do more to help this population. There was even a death of a woman using a wheelchair who would have needed help as well as many seniors who may not have had a cell phone next to their bed to have been warned in time to leave.

My county is making strides to learn from this experience. Our first responders have thank you signs everywhere in town (and we all feel that every single one of them who came from near and far was nothing short of heroic to the highest degree).I hope our power company and those who plan for emergency situations in the future will work to ensure safety and preventative actions to alleviate future situations like this. I pray our community will come together in this time of need. I lived in New York and was working in Manhattan on 9/11/2001 and that city experienced pain and devastation and lost and I know how it changes a place and its people.

"From the ashes we will rise" says a bumper sticker I bought to help the county and I know this will be true. If you are reading this blog and want to help, reach out to Redcross, Redwood Credit Fire fund, or show your solidarity with a bumper sticker that comes with a donation to fire relief at www.foggysideup.com.

My Interest in Caregiving and Related Work and Books

My dissertation at University of San Francisco (I'm a 2013 grad) dealt with caregiving across generations. 

My study was published by Scholar's Press in 2013 under the name, "Bridging Generations" but is only sold in Germany but can be bought in the U.S. with some tariffs paid at the post office when you pick it up! This fall I will be co-authoring a book called "Fruits of Care" with Gael Chiarella Alba that is less scholarly in nature than my "Bridging Generations" book more focused upon caregiving help with tools that foster capability and resilience in family caregivers with care responsibilites for those of any age.


I've given classes for family caregivers who have elder care responsibilities and the topics I teach often focus upon how caregivers can better help their family members and themselves. This means teaching advocacy, self care and boundaries and often means teaching people to become at ease in a life that is often overwhelming - doctors appointments, ER visits, frustration with places and people who are not accommodating. Also caregivers need to know the basics of the "American's with Disabilities Act" and their family members' rights that are protected - but mean nothing if you don't know what they are. Not easy to become a knowledgable person in the world of disabilities without training yet it's also not easy to access this if you have a family member become disabled later in life.

Recently I became an advocate for people in Long Term Care Facilities like assisted living and Skilled Care in a role called a Certified Ombudsman Volunteer. This is a role that involved my undergoing 36 hours of training classes and field observation and training with a mentor. I am still new at it even though I have all the book learning and some background from my own personal experience as a caregiver advocate for my parents and son when he was in Regional Center interventions for developmental delays in his past. Being an Ombudsman is rewarding. In my own personal life as a family caregiver for my own elders, I learned that people who are disabled can lose their voice - for example, my mom was mute from her Parkinson's progression and had NO VOICE before she died - that meant I had to learn with her all the ways that people can communicate (white boards, electronic devices, sign language). I know that teaching caregivers about resources and their own ability to help them with small and big things that make life easier for others is so vital.

Although my initial interest was with caregivers who are adults and have elder care responsibilities, my curiously expanded to learning about families with children who had a developmental delay or disabilities. In 2015-2017 I had worked in various capacities with both children with special needs and other children who were just learning and growing at their own pace in preschools - some of them had a diagnosis of special needs and others did not. I loved helping kids through different learning methods and even outdoor movement! Even though my jobs were part-time and touched at the edges of what a career in this area was like, just being around kids was energizing to me as an adult. And teaching kids to be patient with one another and accepting of differences reinforced so many of the things I tell caregivers. A preschool in 2016 asked me to come and teach parents about positive discipline and I was hooked!

I decided to take classes in educating preschoolers in 2017 and am enjoying it and want to advance my skills in this area. I am three classes into the curriculum for Early Childhood Education and my classwork for this semester involves observation and field experiences. One of the preschools I hope to look into observing at works with children who have special needs. Looking forward to learning more and continuing to blog about it.

In the meantime, look out for my books in your favorite online bookstores - "Fruits of Care" and "My Grandpa Wants to Get a Porcupine"and let me know what you think of them!

Guest Caregiver Speaker at a Support Group

On 8/12 I was a guest Caregiver Adocate speaker at a local Support Group in town. It was a pleasure to have the invitation to both discuss my kids book and talk about caring for the caregiver. Before I spoke, this breakout caregiver-only group shared their experiences as wives, daughters, and friends of those with Parkinson's Disease and many had heroic stories of advocacy. But the family advocates that champion others sometimes forget themselves. When it was my turn to speak we talked about sites like FamilyCaregiverAlliance or fca.org and tips on self-care re-interpreted as required and not optional. I have lots more to say on this in my blog but want to share how positive the talk was. Many thanked me afterward. Caregivers need to be heard and their presence felt. The rewards of caring for the caregiver are often unseen but the benefits help not just the caregivers but all who rely upon them.

Also some big news about me is that I recently became an Ombudsman - an advocate for those who are living in Long-Term Care facilities and need someone to be their voice. I know how hard it can be to help someone who is vulnerable in my own family. This will be new to me to work with those in facilities who are living in skilled care and are frail, or disabled, or maybe they are just fine in their assisted living home but just frustrated with asking too many times and no results. I've received my training and my certification and will grow on the job. I also know that it will benefit me as I help caregivers for families where there is a person with a disability or a debilitating chronic illness.


Back to my talk at the caregiver group in the North Bay. While speaking to the caregiver only support group, I mentioned a metaphor about coaches and about the athletes they guide, motivate and witness. It's unfathomable that a coach would not have a group of other coaches with which to share and grow. Yet caregivers who are new to care -- from cancer of a family member, or a stroke, or even a new disability from an on-going disease -- the new "state of play" is always one involving learning about conditions those for whom you are caring. As a caregiver, you get the message that your own needs are now distinctly in the back seat -- like some naughty kids whose behaviors you put up with just until you get to the destination. But sometimes with caregiving the destinations for the ones you love that might lead to a "new normal" just don't arrive when you think they will. The anxiety is prolonged or has peaks and valleys of feelings like anxiety (things are getting hard or staying hard) or frustration (this is futile! I can't believe I have to do this!), or even guilt (why do I wish someone else where doing this - shouldn't I feel better) followed by shame (I'm embarrassed to admit I am so frustrated). The best part of being among caregivers is that EVERYONE around you feels each and every one of those emotions. And you can really own what you feel when others are just like you.

I was grateful when someone came up to me after the group I was speaking to and told me how grateful he was that I reminded caregivers they were important. Their needs need attending to, and that even if no one brings it up, a caregiver is the captain of the ship and can't allow the ship to go off course (or sink), even if the load they are carrying is safe. And there I go again with metaphors.

Speaking of metaphors, I have a great kids book that I love to plug that uses the idea of a porcupine to tackle a prickly topic. It's called, "My Grandpa Wants to Get a Porcupine." You can buy it at my publisher's site called Lulu.com or Amazon or your favorite retailer via special order.If you reach out to me directly, I can arrange an autograph. Another thing I forgot to mention about the "porcupine" book was that I plugged it at the support group and talked about the book's conception. The book's story behind the story deserves its own blog post (but here's the short version - an ad agency person asked me if Parkinson's could be an animal, what would it be -- I said, "a porcupine - because my kids won't hug their grandparents who both have Parkinsons" The book helped me talk through unconscious fears of the disabled in a way that warranted publishing).

Now back to that support group visit and a funny anecdote about a non-Porcupine rodent and how it saved the day for one caregiver. A woman at the aforementioned group said her husband who has Parkinson's Disease was at an extended family meal and it was talk of this certain rodent that made the "elephant in the room" of Parkinson's, pushed away. The woman described how the extended family meal in another state began awkwardly with all saying hello and yet the feelings of sadness and, likely, pity arose toward her husband in a way that was palpable. Even as they moved past pleasantries to the family meal, she said the feelings seemed to get in the way of conversation at the table as family members who hadn't seen her Parkinsonian husband, felt unable to converse. Yet, all of the sudden, out of the blue, one family member mentioned seeing a raccoon. She mentioned that the talk of the raccoon totally broke the ice and people broke into laughter and talk of other wild animals. The laughter and the shared humanity all came back, and fears fell away as that sense of "we are all the same" came right back. If you want to reaffirm this message and support my author-hood and read about disability awareness in a way that is helpful for adults and suitable for elementary aged kids to comprehend, follow this link and purchase it in ebook or softback: https://www.amazon.com/My-Grandpa-Wants-Get-Porcupine/dp/1483429679

Three Generations Under One Roof

Starting 6/13/17 my home will have three generations under one roof. According to Pew Research in 2014 "A record 60.6 million people or 19% of the US population, lived with multiple generations under one roof." Multi-Generational households are on the rise. I'm glad to know we aren't alone. Also having done a research study on multi-generational care, I've come to see how many cultures do this and all learn from each other and it helps all around. I'm looking forward to it.

If you want to check out multi-generational living trends that involve college students coming to live before "moving on up" to their first home, this is information you need to know. Or if you want to bring an elder generation to live with you, just know that there are homes that will accommodate you. This is a trend that is on the rise. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/mary-cook/5-design-features-that-he_b_10842284.html. Our home wasn't tailor made for it, but we made it happen and are happy with the result.

Camping Across Generations

I am a novice camper but fearless about going. This week two things happened related to camping which then renewed my commitment to do the National Wildlife Federation " #GreatAmericanCampout" which used to be National Backyard Campout...I know this year that I am up for the challenge (& like the way it supports NWF Wildlife too).Go to NWF.org/campout to sign up or learn more.

This week a family friend texted me a photo of my dad in his youth from a day when he camped on the beach with a friend. I dont think there are many beaches these days that allow that for free like it was in his day. He looks in the photo to be carefree in his twenties and rejuvenated .

Contrast that with my camping experience in which I am usually overrun with THINGS -the tent, sleeping items, including everything for my kids & myself. Also this year we brought the dogs, too, to camp as canine camping novices...which meany more STUFF-including dog clean up bags. With all our stuff and the dirt & hard ground to sleep on, we had a blast. We got away from our regular life and our devices. We unplugged of our way of being that comes with a schedule, and expectation. My younger kids built their first fire & choreographed dances to Latin-radio tunes --like my brother & I would do after we watched Solid Gold Dancers in the 70's (see this Youtube clip for a bit of the disco-infused dances: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D537TqUmpyY ). When you watch untalented dancers - like my parents did with me and I did while my kids explained they were ready for "America's Got Talent", you just look on with a smile of delight. I had to laugh when a fellow camper explained that the song playing really did demand Cha Cha moves (& not free form). Luckily camping allows no such rules!

The high point of our trip was the beach-Doran Beach at Bodega Bay was a terrific place to go and a perfect end to a great time away.

Tired and worn thin is how I feel after camping but rejuvenated mentally is what I will take with me a few more nights into the summer. That is until I do it again -and camp on the Summer Solstice on June 21st (longest day of the year!). Check out this blog site for #REI for tips on that if you are so inclined: http://blog.rei.com/camp/camping-tips-for-summer-solstice/. Or you can plan to gear up with camp items and plan watch the #eclipse later in the summer on August 21st (see https://eclipse2017.nasa.gov/eclipse-maps).

Following breadcrumbs to Sonoma

‪My dad's art of wine country hot air balloons was something I posted on my SmartsAtHome.com site & twitter account in a post today. He painted it about 3 years ago -well before my husband and I decided to make a move to wine country from the East Bay of the San Francisco area. It was a decision that somehow came upon us and I just can't recall how we arrived at moving to Sonoma. Was it proximity to wineries? The cost of living? The welcoming community? Or something that came from the ether/air?

Not sure but we are moving...a new start...a beginning like you feel when your perspective has changed and you see the world anew and get the sense of the smell of the freshness of life from the air above --just like in a hot air balloon. Dad, thanks for this metaphor. I hope you are smiling from heaven as I post your art. I found his photo of a toast and all I can think is, "Here's to a new beginning...l'chiam (to life)".

Seeds of Service

I was privileged to have been at a luncheon on Friday commending the service of teens and the non-profit organizations they served in their year of research and service. These teens had a requirement for community service to complete, and a related capstone projects to write, but many took the project to new levels. Those in the room representing non-profits felt that not only had their service organization been helped by the teen, but that the teens were changed. It was apparent from stories from leaders in the community and teachers who witnessed the partnerships, that they became not just one of mere volunteers, but were a true individual presence felt by their organization. By capturing the spirit of the work done by students in projects, their words and often video-montages seemed to bring the passion these non-profit leaders wish they could bottle up and show everyone who seeks to volunteer or donate. It was apparent the teens brought immense thoughtfulness and background the organizations through their research and felt the zeal that many non-profit leaders recognize as a driving force in why they began their work in the first place.

I was sure my heart might burst from the love in the room. The seeds of service were not only planted in the teens who were part of these partnerships, but were blooming already. And with adulthood not far into the future, that means great things lie ahead for those seeds to be harvested. Makes me just look to the future with hope.

Sacrifice, Struggle and Humility - Lest we not forget

The death of a Navy Seal this year in a raid in Yemen brought into close focus how much those in the military sacrifice for our country. The family must be devastated and yet so incredibly proud to have raised a son whose service inspires others to serve and yet reminds them of the steep price of freedom at the same time. I saw a card in the sympathy section of the store intended for someone who lost a loved one in military service and all I could think was that, "I hope no one near here has to buy that..." and that the reminder of sacrifice would remain far away.

In January, I was reading David Brooks's book, "The Road to Character" last month and it reinforces the idea behind how sacrifice, struggle and humility are nearly forgotten as values one should uphold. All things related to the self and advancing one's image and brand are the way forward in today's times, and the ideals of modesty and humility are seen as lacking use or relevance. How do we bring that back as so much underpins those values - especially in trying times?

My father, himself a military vet whose service led to a debilitating disease, said on a recurring basis how he accepts pain and sacrifice as something he could "offer up" as part of his faith. It was almost a sense of, "I will gladly take on this discomfort or pain if it eases that of others who are in need." I often think of that example -- and how I fall short! But in that same vein, I struggle to find ways to impart through my example to my kids how there doesn't need to be a give and take that is seen to the naked eye - it's something internal that you feel...a notion of "rightness."

I hope ideas like these take root in my own kids. I sincerely wish that the notion of humility at some point finds its way into the values to be upheld and past to other generations in an explicit manner. All I can do is humbly hope.

In class, in traffic, in the tedium... finding the poetic imagination

Today I entered a classroom - not as a professor, Post-Grad, or TA (Teachers Assistant) or RA (Research Assistant). No, I am back for skill building to enhance my background further to help family caregivers of dependents. This class is for the youngest kids and deals with children, their immediate families and the community that surrounds and influences them. I am excited and humbled as well.

When I was in college as a 21 year old senior at my undergraduate institution, I saw a need that could be filled with a little effort, and a little college funding and a lot of volunteers. I founded a college volunteer center where there was none. It wasn't that students didn't volunteer, they just could not find those opportunities on campus and had to find them at a neighboring college who was happy to take our students on. That year on campus of starting that organization felt like my skills in school and my passion for helping others and my drive and initiative were all coalesced in such a way to leave deep tracks that others could follow - and they did. The center exists on campus today and volunteerism is as natural as going to class - an expected way to contribute your skills and education.

Today as I try to make sense of where our skills, education and drive fit in life at later stages than the twenty something years, I wonder where drive and passion fit. I must have romanticized my journey - having read Goerte's "If you dream it, start it", inspirational ideas like "leap and the net will appear" and too many commencement speeches imparting a person to just follow what seems right and if it is right, it will bear fruit. I think of that now and wish I could relive that innocence. It goes along with, "If you are qualified, you will get the right job. If you are good at what you do, the money will follow. If you ask Santa for it, you will get it."

My next book is about family caregivers and it's also about bearing metaphorical fruit - despite laboring over situations involving our loved ones in their time of need. There isn't passion and drive when emergency and crisis situations arise calling forth effort and obligation and love. Yes this time of care bears fruit - it is creation that comes from an outpouring of many things - energy, emotion, care, tenderness, frustration, impatience, questioning, wondering "what if" and unless other things that come up. It's not like following breadcrumbs that lead to a successful new path in life whose steps seemed fatalistic.

While on my commute to work today I heard an interview with the creator of the film coming out soon, "Paterson" and the poet whose words inspire the bus driver protagonist. The movie has a mysterious draw in this improbable poet that no one expects to be writing poems on his bus route in which all of the dimensions implore his attention. The poetry is in the tradition of Williams Carlos Williams but the actual poet behind the screen play (Ron Padgett) said he used Williams as a starting point. As he read the screen play the character formed as he used his imagination and the words flowed from him differently. There were words he felt that were not his own - rather had come from inhabiting the imagined character in a deep and powerful way. Kind of like writers who seem to know their characters so well the stories write themselves. What I liked so much as well in this radio broadcast was that Padgett implores us to USE our imagination, so that we can inhabit other ways of being like poets do so well: "These people are like innovators and rebels. They deal with changing your consciousness. Their form is not a commercial one. Show me a poet that does it for the money, you know? I still think poets are like, for me, like rock stars. They're kind of magical people. They should just be given whatever they want." (source:http://www.npr.org/2016/12/27/507125816/paterson-a-love-poem-to-poetry-from-director-jim-jarmusch ). I was moved - profoundly moved by his words. Here he was saying, "don't stop imagining" at a time when my own heart says, Please stop imagining - it's not for the faint of heart who find things don't come to fruition so easily in reality.

Maybe the lesson for me is remembering to hear the poetry in my mind in the ride to work or the time at my new school. Like a bus driver, find the freeing in the routine. Because perhaps the call to action lies hidden. And it may be a call that merges the poet in me and the realist - where both get to play along - only if I imagine to my hearts content without the stop sign of my rational side putting the brakes on. Keep the dreaming alight just in casethe passion and drive and luck converge. If not I can let the imagined ideas of no use just flow and give them a deserving smile of "if only" - even when their stay is brief. Because in the end, aren't we all students of life? Regardless of where we are in this journey, we will experience the surprise, wonder, dismay, frustration and appreciation of so much we have let to learn about.