I recently spoke to a North Bay woman who is in her mid sixties, fit, smart, and a woman who seems, at first glance, like she has her life totally together. After I heard her story, I wondered how she could even stand up and face each day. This woman I'll call Jane had just moved her 2 parents (both in their 90's) to live near her in Santa Rosa (North of San Francisco) because of their failing health. Mind you, usually parents moving to live near well-intentioned daughters are not a fan of the move (I know this from my own experience). But she did what so many daughters often do for their aging moms and dads - show up and move their parents near them to shepherd those elders through a harder stage of life in which help is needed.
This is the part of Jane's story that will break your heart. Not long after the elders' move to a new town (& no matter what the distance they moved from, it's TOO far in their eyes), her parents' new home BURNED DOWN in the North Bay fires the week of 10/9/17 in Santa Rosa. My heart sunk with her story because I moved my parents to my home town to help them in a similar way for similar reasons. I felt guilt upon guilt upon guilt as they pined for their old life and their old home--that I robbed from them. But my parents' very possessions - whether big and small - reminded them of their old home. Those possessions that belonged to my parents were always in tact and thus were a connection to their old home. But Jane's parents have nothing to go back to but memories; physical things are gone. My own parents used to visit their mini-storage just be be around their possessions even when they didn't take anything back to their crowded assisted living facility. And yet in my mind after hearing Jane's story, I am reminded that our things --no matter who they belong to -- it's just "stuff". The real essence of importance - it is manifested in our presence and the time we spend together.
My second caregiver story is about a dear friend named Paul who I call my BFF- "Best Friend Forever". Paul has been a long-distance caregiver for parents (one who has passed on and one who is aging and needs looking into). Over recent years, Paul has a houseful of kids (some who stop in after moving into adulthood and one living at home full time). Paul has recently had 2 family members with frail and worsening conditions living as well in the family home. And this Fall as others are enjoying Halloween candy and Pumpkin Spice food/drinks, this family ha already been through one sad and difficult Hospice enrollment, followed by a sad but meaningful death. And now as the holiday season begins in days leaving to Thanksgiving, this same family which is still mourning the loss of a brother, has put a second elder onto Hospice. Their family will now awaits the experiences of a death that will recur in the same place, the family home. Thus the "waiting" and spending time together becomes fraught with emotions and tinged with sadness of the inevitable future death at a time when families across our country are celebrating and counting blessings over the Thanksgiving table. And just when you think a family should not have to add to this heaven burden, a dear Aunt of my friend Paul is not well and in need of help with care as a heartwrenching diagnosis means a terminal end is ahead - this time the care will be miles away. How is it that some people -like Paul and Jane - have a toll in life so much heavier than another who is showered with blessings and easier moments in life?
Both caregiving people mentioned above have such bravery and courage to undertake leading their elder family members care. I hope they are engaging other family members and asking for help and for friends and support systems to let them vent and find breaks to feel less burdened by their role. And without asking, I know they are able to find meaning in their care because it is guided by a rightness. It is within this intention and purpose that they find faith in themselves and in knowing they can do it...maybe not alone, probably with lots of helpers, but they will endure.
This Autumn just like the leaves on the trees changing color, these caregivers will undergo their own transition as they help their families go though another life stage. And they will be changed by it. I am moved just bearing witness to their stories. Caregivers are heroes who need to be praised and brought into view. It makes me reflective and grateful. Oh so grateful.
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